Oh goody, goody, it's that time of the year again - Awards season!
First let's do a little recap: the leftovers from last year's Met Gala made an appearance (all that silver and gold and belts and zippers... last year ladies, last year). It's still breasts galore and you can clearly tell who was a natural and who was a plastics miracle. We now know who works out and who has their cake first and Spanx later. We also can tell whose dresses were borrowed and who has enough style clout to have one made-to-measure (the hem is a dead giveaway: hitting the floor just perfect and the dress was made for the woman, pooling all over the ground as she teeters on sky-high platform stilettos and trips while walking up the steps... borrowed).
I'll start with The Worst.
Worst Dressed, Golden Globes 2017
SJP in Vera Wang. I don't even know where to start! Some said it's bridal, or an homage to Princess Leia with the braid and the white and the sleeves (which you really want to just rip off!), I call it a one hot mess. She would've been a lot better off with a bird on her head, at least we'd get that.
(P.S. the same sleeve fiasco appeared on another Vera Wang gown worn by Heilee Steinfeld. I think it's time for Vera to hand over the reins to someone else.)
Kerry Washington in Dolce&Gabbana Alta Moda. Spanx much? Did you not look in the mirror before you left the hotel room? Not to mention it's the wrong length, it needs to be two inches higher to be a proper tea-length. Do it right or don't do it at all. And dear Kerry, before you go on camera and state that no one before you ever wore a Dolce&Gabbana Alta Moda dress on the red carpet, check with the design house's PR department. You're not the first one they dressed for the red carpet in runway looks (Alta Moda is simply "high fashion" in Italian).
Nicole Kidman in Alexander McQueen. Here we go with the sleeves again. And there's also a sequin wave. And a corset. Dolly Parton wants her dress back. But at least Nicole's face moved this time.
Zoe Saldana in Gucci. Oh let's just put a bow on it, maybe it'll look better. At least she didn't have to worry about wrinkling the dress.
Janelle Monáe in Armani Privé. I'm having flashbacks to the Bjork swan dress. And I also want to eat a cupcake.
Tracee Ellis Ross in Zuhair Murad. Just sad. She's usually quite stylish. And Zuhair Murad knows how to dress naked curves (see below). I'm sure one tweet to any Kardashian and they would've been more than happy to share underwear tips for transparent dresses (hint, none of tips would include a girdle). And it looks like she couldn't decide what ring to wear so she wore them all. Or maybe her hotel safe was not working, because clearly there are more rings here than fingers.
Felicity Jones in Gucci. Are those palm trees on the bottom of her skirt? There should be a rule: if you see a bow just say no! And the Star Wars hair outlived the character.
Best Dressed of Golden Globes 2017
Octavia Spencer in Laura Basci. Flawless. Perfect fit, proportion, color. Absolutely stunning. And she was comfortable!
Mandy Moore in Naeem Khan. This is how you grow up.
Jessica Biel in Elie Saab. Perfection. I have a feeling Justin picked this one out.
Elsa Pataky (aka Mrs. Thor) in Zuhair Murad. This is how you do see-through!
Sofia Vergara in... tan-tan-taan! Zuhair Murad. And those girls of hers require body-armor to be built into the dress, yet do we see anything? No.
Kristen Bell in Jenny Packham. Love the deep neckline paired with long sleeves. Very tuxedo.
Wonderwoman. Or Gal Gadot to everyone else.
Reese Witherspoon in custom Atelier Versace. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you do red carpet. (Although I wonder when Draper James will start making red carpet appearances.) Vintage Tiffany diamonds.
Laura Dern in Burberry. It looked fabulous when she presented. And when you watch from frozen Tundra it's nice to see some flowers.
Naomi Harris is Armani Privé. Now this is Armani.
I predict more cleavage showing at the Oscars (end of February). Let's just hope that Spanx will be left at home. The only underwear I'm willing to see on screen is Victoria Secret.